Help with Spyware, Hijacking & Other Internet Nuisances
|Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:08 pm Post subject: Treating the REAL Source of the Infection
|The following is a full transcript of the groundbreaking lecture
and slide presentation given by Dr. Lucien E. Conein at last year's
"Conference on Help for the Terminally Unprepared". Dr. Conein,
affectionately known to his Trauma Center nurses as 'Black Luigi',
is a world-renowned expert in the field of surgical removals.
(While there is currently no active hyperlink for the text of this
lecture, one can read about many of Dr. Conein's other innovative
procedures by Googling his name and/or nickname.)
Nights are long here at the Malware Emergency Room. The gaunt
faces of the nurses tell the whole story. Caffeine-stoked, stressed
to the max, they watch the endless parade of victims wheeled in
beneath bloody sheets---victims, usually, of their own denial.
Victims who thought they could operate a poorly-designed rust-heap
at deadly speeds on the carnage-strewn lanes of the Information
Superhighway--without the proper training and experience. And so
they wind up here, writhing in agony, anxious relatives hovering,
crying, "How could this happen?"
Of course, before I can begin to operate, I have to conduct
extensive tests to be SURE of the exact nature of damage to the
DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURE NUMBER ONE:
The attending physician seats himself at the patient's computer
and uses the context menu to eject the CD tray.
Patient: "WOW! That was AMAZING! How did you DO that?? Are you a
[Status: Failed. Patient evincing signs of major point-and-drool
damage to the frontal lobe, with massive parietal involvement.]
DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURE NUMBER TWO:
"Ma'am, I'm going to have to uninstall the following applications."
(Read off list that includes 459 of the 476 apps in their startup
"But I LIKE my Instant E-Spy Toolbar!" "But I LIKE my Online P2P
Casino Gambling Helper!" "But I LIKE my Pudpumper Instant Chat
Client and Automatic Password Sender!" "It was FREE!" "It's EASY!"
[Status: Failed. Start wondering if I remembered to bring in that
huge bag of disposable diapers I normally keep in the trunk.]
DIAGNOSTIC PROCEDURE NUMBER THREE:
"Ma'am, I'm going to replace Internet Explorer with a souped-up
version of Mozilla Firebird, and I'm going to replace Outlook
Express with Mozilla Thunderbird."
"But I LIKE Internet Explorer! Besides, my sister's son came over
when I first got my computer and he said something about how he set
all these security-settings things to 'high'! And if I don't have
Outlook Express, how am I going to get that $8 million check from
that nice dying priest with the orphanage in Nigeria???"
[Status: Failed. Patient critical, evincing signs of terminal-phase
hypergullibility. "NURSE! Glove up! We're GOING IN!"]
Long years of medical experience have proven to me that preparation
of the patient for the procedure is at least as important as the
procedure itself. Consequently, I and other local cybertrauma surgeons
have developed an Emergency State-of-Denial Removal Device. Hard to
believe that a floppy disk containing a few hundred lines of HTML
code and a few simple scripts could be such an effective tool in
the fight against computer idiocy, but it WORKS!
We simply wheel the patient up in front of their own computer,
insert the floppy disk, bring up the first in a series of little
offline "web pages", and tell the patient to follow the instructions
on the screen. At this point, the procedure is self-maintaining,
and the surgeon can sip a delicious cup of coffee and watch as the
miracle of healing begins. This is what the patient sees:
YOU HAVE ACTIVATED THE EMERGENCY STATE-OF-DENIAL REMOVAL DEVICE.
This program is designed to remove most of your computer problems
AT THE SOURCE. Simply PAY ATTENTION, READ EVERYTHING CAREFULLY,
and navigate to the next screen by clicking the NEXT button. You
are ON YOUR OWN. NO ONE will help you. Advice will ONLY be available
AFTER the conclusion of this procedure, when you will be READY to
Next display: "Your current default browser is Internet Explorer.
Minimize this window for a second and see if there's
a new folder on your Desktop named 'Bad News', then
maximize this window again for further instructions."
(Oops, there is, and it contains [empty] sub-folders named "Kiddie
Porn", "Offshore Accounts", and "Stolen Classified Documents"!)
"That's right. All those nasty 'features' that you
'disabled' in Micro$lut Inbreed Exploiter have been
TURNED BACK ON. But don't worry--when we're all done,
maybe I'll turn them back off, and get rid of that
'evidence' for you. Of course, that means I could
get rid of anything ELSE I desire, too, DOESN'T it?"
Next display: "This is a standard form, just like you would find on
the internet. No tricks, there's nothing wrong with
the form--but try typing something into it. OOPS!
Looks like somebody disabled your keyboard, huh? Well,
I'VE decided FOR you that you just won't be needing it
Next display: "Boy, I don't know about you, but I just get SO tired
of that stupid, useless "right-click" button on that
mouse. Hey! I'VE got an idea! Why don't we turn your
context menu into A Trip To Perdition?! Try it."
(There now appears, upon right-click, what appears to be a standard
Microsoft context menu, except the choices are: "Delete My Documents",
"Format My Hard Drive", "Smoke My Partitions", "Stain My Shorts",
and "Have A Nice Day, Chump"--followed by an assurance that things
haven't even STARTED to get bad--YET!)
Next display: "Well, if you don't need your right-click function, I
guess you don't need that left one much, either, huh?
But don't worry! I'm your PAL! From now on, I'll do
ALL that nasty clicking FOR you!"
Next display: "Well, I wouldn't worry too much about losing your
ability to left-click, since your cursor is gone
[Typical Microsoft 'thinking': "Say, why don't we build a 'feature'
into IE6 that will let anybody use a style convention to make the
cursor invisible! THAT oughta be really USEFUL!"]
Next display: "See what I mean? Say, chum, you don't mind if I use
'YOUR' printer, do you?"
(At this point, without any prompts, their printer begins spitting
out a full-page, full-color photo of a 400-pound woman in a dominatrix
outfit, pouring a gallon of milk over her breasts. The cartoon "thought
balloon" emerging from her head says, "Oooh, Bill Gates just makes
me all WET!")
Next display: "Well, I think I'll log on to 'YOUR' ISP now and use 'YOUR'
email client to send a few death threats to the White
House, maybe sign you up at a few child-molester chatrooms.
You DO, of course, retain the "default option" to WAKE
UP, snatch BOTH thumbs out of your heinie and see how fast
you can jerk that plug out of the wall."
(At this point, the screen switches to an animated gif with a slowly
increasing progress bar and the heartwarming message: "Now uploading
files to email@example.com!")
Aside from struggling not to let coffee spray out of my nose as they
start making little keening noises and ripping plugs and cables out of
a variety of receptacles, the hardest part of MY job is already done.
I like to think of this little time- and frustration-saving device as
my "Instantaneous Behavior-Modification Brain Surgery Macro". Once this
procedure is completed, we place the patient on a regimen that includes
Mozilla Firebird (Fuexploitsatol, 5 MB q.i.d.), and monitor for sudden
recurrence of Spoofseight's Disorder.
Now I can stroll out to the anxiously waiting family members, tired
but paternally reassuring in my blood-spattered scrubs, and tell them:
"It's a little early yet, but I think we're out of the woods."
Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Last Visit: 17 Jan 2017
Location: at the beach
|Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 8:58 pm Post subject:
And it's soooo true!
Former Microsoft MVP 2005-2009, Consumer Security
Please do not PM or Email me for personal support. Post in the Forums instead and we will all learn.
Joined: 27 Feb 2004
Last Visit: 25 Nov 2016
|Posted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 9:02 pm Post subject:
|You come up with some funny stuff.
Joined: 25 Jan 2004
Last Visit: 24 Jul 2009
Location: Illegitimus non carborundum
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